I was a little more cautious after that but managed to walk to the kitchen without resorting to feeling the wall. I even found the doorway on the first try. Trowa was there, as I had suspected, had probably been sitting where he could see me through the doorway. I shivered and decided that for my next breakdown, I would go to my room and shut the door.

‘You feel like some lunch?’ Trowa asked as soon as I was in the room with him and I’m sure he spoke just to let me know he was there.

‘If you’re fixing something anyway.’ I told him, having to resort to that sweeping hands thing to find the table. He let me do it by myself and I was grateful.

So I sat at the table and listened to him heat soup and make grilled cheese sandwiches. I considered going to the stove to see if there was anyway I could figure out for myself how this cooking thing could be done in the dark and decided that it really wasn’t worth the effort. It probably wouldn’t work the same with a regular stove and I wasn’t likely to find myself in the position of cooking over a wood-burning stove again for some time.

I was able to identify the soup from the smell as potato before he brought it to me. Again, in one of those mugs, to save me trying to eat it with a spoon. I smiled up in his direction when he sat the food in front of me and positively beamed when he moved in the direction of the refrigerator and returned with the sound of a bottle of soda hissing open.

We settled into a routine that got us by. Things were actually easier with just Trowa and me. There wasn’t that pressure to talk and reassure; I wasn’t constantly having to convince him that I was all right. He let me do pretty much as I pleased, staying close but not hovering. He let me do things for myself. Though, admittedly, I spent most of my time huddled in the corner of the couch. But…he let me do that too. He is a surprisingly gentle soul; it’s hard to understand sometimes how he can be that calm and steady and kindhearted when you consider his mercenary background. Maybe it’s his working with animals so much. Maybe it’s…Quatre. There were times during that week, when I felt like some sort of wild thing myself; some almost out of control animal. I’m glad Trowa was the one who was with me. Wufei would have been tense and that makes him irritable. I would have felt weak and pathetic around him and that would have made me tense. We would have yelled…a lot. Quatre would look at me with the most horrendous hurt in his eyes and I wouldn’t have had to see it to know it was there. He would have made me feel as much pressure to be ‘all right’ as Heero did; if not more. I hate to worry him; he can’t stand to not be able to make things better. It would have been another tense situation. Things were easy with Trowa; he was content with the silence and didn’t force me to try to fill it. I think, somehow, that he understood how I felt more than Heero did. He usually stayed within earshot but didn’t hang all over me. I was eternally thankful, only wishing I could find some way to express it to him.

As I said, I spent most of my time curled in, what had become, ‘my’ corner of the couch, just thinking. Trying to figure out what in the hell I was going to do with the rest of my life. I really didn’t think there was much future in selling pencils out of a tin cup on the street.

Trowa generally sat in the room with me, sometimes reading, sometimes plugging his laptop into the only outlet we had. A few days after Heero left, he had been sitting in the big armchair reading something when I realized from the sound of his breathing that he had dozed off. It had been a cold and rainy day; the kind that makes you drowsy despite yourself. I had been feeling a little lethargic myself.

Outside, the rain began to pick up and in the distance I heard the rumble of thunder. I felt a pang; I loved thunderstorms. You don’t have real weather in the colonies; nothing like what Mother Nature whips up here on Earth. I had been enthralled the first time I had seen one. Would probably have stood out in it and had my ass struck by lightning if Heero hadn’t drug me back in the house. The sheer noise; the raw power…I had been in awe. I love them to this day. Sitting there in my personal darkness, I was overcome with the need to have that feeling back. I was struck with an ache in my heart that I had lost that.

I listened carefully and decided that Trowa was still sound asleep. The thunder was distant, rumbling low over the hills. Not close enough to be of any real danger. I rose silently and eased out of the room. I found my cautious way to the kitchen and opened the door onto the patio where Wufei and I had practiced together. The air coming in was cool and I could feel the mist of the rain blowing on my face. I have no idea why I did what I did but I just suddenly had to be out there; if I couldn’t see it…I wanted to feel it. I shucked off my shirt and padded out onto the wet bricks in my bare feet. The rain was cold but not icy. I could feel the grumble of the thunder in my bones. I wished I could see the lightening forking across the sky in endless new patterns. I was soaked in a matter of minutes. I found myself remembering Wufei and our hours out here together. Without thinking about it too hard, I moved my arms through the first pattern and froze. Could I? Heart suddenly thumping in my chest, I moved to pace out the area of the patio. I discovered that the bricks at the edge were a different texture than the rest, when I thought about it; I remembered them being a different color. There was enough difference that I could feel it instantly with my feet. I walked the area, making sure there was nothing in it that I didn’t know about, that it was still free of furniture or other obstructions. I counted out the space and found the center.

Hands trembling, I took my stance, imagination painting Wufei at my side. I took the first calming breaths and began the kata. I moved slowly at first, muscles stiff and cold and unused to exercise; the worst of my bruises complaining mildly. I knew I was hesitant and Wufei would have jeered at me for my clumsiness but I managed the first half of the first set before I lost my balance and fell. Climbing to my feet, I had to re-pace the workout area and re-find my center. I started from the beginning, my partial success giving me confidence.

I worked through the first set, falling more than once and hitting the edge bricks a couple of times, having to stop and re-orient myself. It took six tries before I got through it without falling or running myself into the edge. I almost laughed out loud. I stood for a moment, arms spread to the lashing rain, my braid heavy with it, feeling the thunder roll in and fill me. I started again from the beginning and this time it was smoother. I fell into the pattern of it and I swear to the Gods, for a moment, I forgot I was blind. I could almost see the faint bend of Wufei’s head. I almost nodded back to my phantom partner.

I swept my leg in an arc and felt for the edge bricks, found them and paced back to the center point. I took my stance yet again and suddenly felt eyes on me. My back stiffened and I turned my head in the direction of the kitchen door.

I heard a faint grunt of surprise and Trowa called softly, ‘That’s enough, Duo. Heero will have my head if I let you catch pneumonia.’

I threw my head back and laughed out loud, ‘Come on out, Trowa…it’s glorious!’ I shouted to him over another clap of thunder. It was close; right overhead and I felt it vibrate up through the soles of my feet. The rain was sheeting down so hard it stung.

‘It’s fucking cold, is what it is!’ Trowa yelled back, ‘Now get in here before you get struck by lightning!’

I didn’t want to. This was the best I had felt in days and I wanted it to last but I could hear a touch of genuine fear in his voice, so I used that voice to guide myself back to the kitchen door.

‘Here.’ He called a small course correction when I got close.

He took my arm and pulled me to the side so he could get the door shut behind me and then he was wrapping a bath towel around my shoulders. I wondered with a jolt how long he had been watching me. I flushed, embarrassed, thinking about how many times I had fallen. Then almost choked, realizing that he had let me fall and had not interfered. I couldn’t help grinning at him like some kind of madman while water ran off me in rivers.

‘That was…When did…’ He struggled with words as he squeezed the water out of my braid with a second towel and I chuckled at him.

‘Wufei got pissed at me for…being bored, so he dragged me out and made me work out with him.’ I explained, before he choked to death trying to get the questions out.

There was another surprised grunt and then he nudged me in the direction of the living room door, ‘Go upstairs and take a hot shower; you’re practically blue.’

And of course, now that I was inside, I was almost shivering with cold I had not felt while I was working. I just grinned at him and headed that way, trying for the straight route again and gaining another bruise for my efforts.

‘Little to the right.’ Trowa called blandly, his voice following me through the living room, ‘Straight…straight…almost there…Ok, you’re at the steps; feel for it.’

He made it so easy; no hovering, no depression, no tiptoeing around it. I found the bottom step and put my foot there but took a minute to call back to him.

‘You know I…appreciate everything you’ve done…don’t you?’

‘I know.’ His voice came from the kitchen doorway, ‘You going to need any help up there?’

‘I think I can get it.’ I told him, then thought about it, ‘Might need some help rebinding my eyes.’ I hadn’t washed my hair in a couple of days and really needed to get it done.

I could almost see that tight little nod he gives, ‘I’ll come up after I hear the water shut off.’

I climbed the stairs, shivering in my soggy jeans and towel and felt my way to my room for dry clothes. Then I went to the bathroom for that hot shower. I was very careful, as always, to make sure the room was dark. There was no window in the bathroom and I made sure the light switch was in the off position. I was always afraid I wouldn’t be able to force myself to keep my eyes shut once I had the bindings off and just wasn’t ready to open them to the darkness when there should be light. This way, if I slipped, I wouldn’t know the difference.

The shower felt good and I just stood under the spray for a while, gradually easing the temperature up until it was as hot as I could stand it. The shivering went away, my muscles began to relax and I started to feel the sting of what had to be scrapes from my many falls. I grinned again, remembering the feeling of completing that kata without losing my balance and falling on my ass. It had felt damn good.

I took a little extra time with my hair; I had been rushing my showers lately, having my eyes uncovered made me uncomfortable. But somehow, I felt more at ease with it after the workout. So I took the time to lather it twice and used a little conditioner on the ends. When I got out, I dried and pulled my jeans on quickly, knowing that Trowa would be on his way up. He gave me a good five minutes and I was towel drying my hair when the tap came on the door.

‘Just a second.’ I told him and found one of the small hand towels to fold and cover my eyes with, ‘Ok.’ I heard the door open and then an odd grunt.

‘I guess you wouldn’t need the light on.’ He said in a surprised voice, then there was a moments chill silence followed by some serious back peddling, ‘Gods, Duo…I…I’m sorry! I didn’t mean…’

I growled at him, ‘Damn it, Trowa; don’t start that. That’s been the best part of staying with you…you haven’t pussy-footed around me like I was going to explode if somebody accidentally said the word ‘blind’.’

He sighed and snorted softly; there was a touch of self-deprecation in it, ‘Sorry.’ He murmured and then, ‘Are you all right? Why are you holding a towel over your eyes?’

I felt myself flush, ‘I…I don’t like to have them unwrapped…in the light.’

‘Ah.’ He sighed in understanding and I heard a faint click as the door closed, ‘There.’ He told me, ‘You can uncover them.’

‘Thanks.’ I told him, lowering the towel but still keeping my eyes tightly shut, ‘But isn’t this going to make it a little hard for you to re-bandage me?’

There was the slightest hesitation and then I could hear the timid grin in his voice, ‘I guess it’ll be like the sight impaired leading the sight impaired.’

It shocked a sudden bark of laughter out of me and it was like a little dam broke inside and I laughed until my sides hurt.

‘It wasn’t that funny.’ He said after a minute, a little surprised.

‘I’m sorry.’ I gasped when I could, ‘But I just keep seeing the look on Heero’s face if he’d heard you say that!’

It was his turn to laugh abruptly but it cut off rather quickly, ‘Damn, Duo; that’s not funny at all…he would have decked me!’

I felt myself blushing and then remembered the room was dark and I didn’t have to care.

‘And Wufei would have glared and said ‘Barton!’ in that tone of voice of his.’ I won a faint chuckle from him, ‘And Quatre would have given you that look; the one that makes you feel like you’ve just killed the Easter bunny.’

I got a real chuckle out of him with that one but then I sobered.

‘And that’s why you’ve been so great. You make this easier; you’re not afraid of it. Not afraid of hurting me. You…let me try things on my own.’

There was an awkward silence that he finally broke; ‘You don’t make it easy when you pull stunts like dancing in thunderstorms.’

Here came my reprimand. I hung my head and muttered an apology, forgetting for a moment that he couldn’t see me either.

‘I couldn’t find you for a minute.’ He told me softly and his hands were suddenly on my shoulders, turning me around and he was smoothing my hair out of the way in preparation to bandaging my eyes. I suppressed a shiver at the touch and held still while he worked.

‘I’m sorry.’ I told him again, ‘I just always loved thunderstorms…’ I didn’t know how to tell him what was in my head.

‘I know.’ His voice sounded amused and just like that, the scolding was over, ‘Where’s the stuff?’

I found the gauze where I had left it and handed it to him, ‘Hang on a minute and I’ll get the padding in place.’

We managed it, between the two of us, fumbling and chuckling. I let him turn the light back on after we had a couple of turns of gauze around my eyes and he finished quickly after that.

‘There.’ He announced, patting my shoulder, ‘Need help with anything else?’

‘I think I can finish on my own.’ I told him, fingers hunting for the comb on the sink.

‘Then I’ll go start dinner.’ I heard him flick the light off when he left and I grinned.

I took to doing the kata again in the mornings; I just didn’t do it in the rain any more. Sometimes, I could feel Trowa watching me. It gave me back a tiny measure of control; made me feel a little less helpless and for those couple of hours…I wasn’t thinking.

It got easier finding my way around the house; I learned to count things out so that I knew it was six paces from the sink to the table, eight more from the table to the doorway. I found that if I was unsure of my surroundings, I could ‘feel’ obstacles before I ran into them if I moved slowly enough; big things anyway, like walls. It was like a heat coming off things, I suspect it was my own body heat coming back to me.

I found that there were things I could do to help out; cooking wasn’t something I did under normal circumstances anyway but I could set the table and even do the dishes if I went slowly enough. I was even able to help with Gundam repairs if the parts were small and detachable; something Trowa could bring back to the cabin for me. We were all trained to field strip and clean our weapons blindfolded and I found that with Trowa’s help getting me started, there was a lot more I could do by feel than I would have thought possible. It made me feel good and bad at the same time. Good, because I felt like I was being useful, wasn’t just being a lump sitting on the couch. Bad, because it reminded me that I probably would not ever be working on my own Gundam again. My piloting days were gone with my eyes.

And yes…I heard that word ‘probably’. I couldn’t seem to squelch the hope completely, no matter how hard I tried.

End part 5