When I went back to his room, he was changed, and the jeans were tossed into the corner, but he was sitting on the side of the bed with the beginnings of a faint frown on his face. I decided to cut right to the heart of it and not dance around the edges of the issue.

‘We have to come up with a compromise.’ I told him flatly, moving briskly passed him to dig the new CDs out of the sack he had dumped on the desk earlier.

‘Heero…’ he began, but his voice already sounded tired and defeated.

‘I’m not leaving. Period. End of that part of the discussion.’ I turned with the CD in my hand to look at him, but he was just sitting there staring at me, a little wide-eyed. I think he was just too tired to work up to angry.

‘That’s my one point of non-negotiation. What’s yours?’

He looked at me sharply, the defeated look changing to something remarkably like hope.

‘You…you can’t talk the nightmare away.’ He ventured, obviously gauging my reaction. I gave him only a curt nod; having known that one was coming. I bent to tearing the cellophane wrapper off the CD.

‘Would you consider my allowing it only every other night?’ I tried, against all hope, ‘I’m concerned that you’re wearing yourself out.’

He frowned but shook his head, ‘No. Heero, I’m afraid we’re running out of time.’

I sighed, I’d been pretty sure of losing that one, but hoped to use it as a bargaining chip for the next one, ‘All right. But I get to hold you through it. Like…like Wufei does. So you don’t hurt yourself thrashing around.’

He chewed on that, and his response surprised me, coming so low I almost didn’t hear it, ‘Can…can you leave your shirt on?’

I turned wide eyes on him, understanding instantly, and he saw it in my eyes and got scared.

‘Please don’t tell him, Heero! Please don’t…it would…hurt him.’

I nodded, ‘All right, love. I promise; not a word.’

He looked relieved and bent doggedly back to the negotiation, ‘Afterward though, you have to let me…be.’

‘I won’t leave. I told you that’s the one point I won’t give in about.’

‘That’s…Ok. Just…you just have to let me get myself together. You can’t put me back together.’

I worked studiously at loading the CD into the player, sighing heavily. ‘Within reason, Ok? I’m still not convinced this is the way to deal with this. If it gets too…rough, I’m going to intervene and we’ll just have to try something else tomorrow night.’

‘What else is there, Heero?’

‘I don’t know, damn it! Hypnosis? Acupuncture? Aromatherapy for Gods sake! I don’t know, and I don’t care! Anything else. I hate this, it’s killing me by degrees, and I’m not going to sit by and watch you…’ kill yourself. It was right there in my mouth, and I almost let it pop out. Almost. I’m not sure where I lost the calm I had walked into this room with, but it was completely shattered and I had to take a couple of hard, panting breaths to win a measure of it back. ‘Sorry…I’m sorry…’

‘It’s all right.’ He whispered, ‘It’s…it’s a start.’

‘All right then.’ I tried to lighten my voice, ‘We have a deal…of sorts.’ I hit the play button on the stereo and went to get my mattress to the sound of an oddly sprightly tune.

He chuckled as I drug it in, already sprawled out on his back, arms behind his head. ‘I had to make Wufei bring his in here that first night; he had planned to sit in the hall on a desk chair for the entire week.’

I shook my head, ‘That’s our Wufei.’ And on the bed, Duo chuckled again.

I turned out the lights, and threw myself down on the mattress, pulling my blanket up.

Duo giggled across the room in the dark, ‘Good-night, John-boy.’

‘Go to sleep, baka.’ I muttered, and he laughed out loud.

The CD played softly, and despite everything, his exhaustion caught up with him, and I could tell by his breathing he was asleep before the third or fourth track. I hadn’t slept much the night before either, and I felt myself fading somewhere around the sixth or seventh.

I came awake, my heart lurching in my chest, a booming male voice was proclaiming, ‘O for a voice like thunder, and a tongue to drown the throat of war! When the senses are shaken, and the soul is driven to madness, who can stand?’

From the bed, there came a whimpering, terrified cry, and in the next moment, I heard Duo struggling up. It took me a twisting, blood-pounding moment to realize the sound was the stereo. I couldn’t have slept more than a matter of minutes, and it had left me disoriented. I rolled off the mattress and staggered to my feet.

‘…When Sin claps his broad wings over the battle, and sails rejoicing in the flood of Death: When souls are torn to everlasting fire, and fiends of Hell rejoice upon the slain, O who can stand? O who hath caused this? O who can answer at the throne of God?…’ [1]

I heard Duo fall, tangled in his blankets, ‘Turn the Gods damned thing off!’ he wailed, and I knew just how he felt. There was a whole other level of nightmares being drug out by this thundering voice, and I found the damned switch in the dark and hit it hard.

‘Duo? Where are you?’ I panted, staggering around the bed, the voice still ringing in my ears as though it had been talking to me…right to me.

He was fighting his way out of the blankets, and we found each other in the dark, clinging and holding on for dear life. I could feel Duo’s heart pounding in his chest every bit as hard as mine was.

‘New rule;’ he gasped out, ‘no more music at night unless we’ve already heard the whole CD before hand.’

‘Agreed.’ I muttered, ‘What the hell was that?’

‘I have no bloody idea.’ And he began to giggle, ‘I thought it was the voice of God and we were both on our way to Hell.’

I couldn’t help laughing with him, though there was a note of hysteria in both our voices, ‘Nothing like a guilty conscience.’

‘Shit!’ he wheezed, ‘I can’t believe how bad that scared me.’

‘You?’ I panted around helpless snickers, ‘If I’d been in a real bed, I would have fallen out of it!’

‘I did fall out of it!’

The laughter died quickly though, and we sat wrapped around each other on the floor, each of us lost in our own battle memories. I held him until I felt his heart rate return to something akin to normal, and then we pulled ourselves up on the side of the bed.

‘No more music tonight, Ok?’ He said as he climbed back into bed, and I straightened his blankets back around.

‘No problem.’ I assured him, making my way back to my own bed, ‘No problem at all.’

I threw myself back down on my mattress, hunting for my own blankets, feeling strangely chilled and wishing I hadn’t been evicted from Duo’s bed. We lay in silence, each of us lost in our own thoughts, but I could tell by his restless turning, that he was as wide-awake as I was. It seemed like I stared up at the ceiling for hours, but my internal clock told me that only about a half an hour had passed, when I felt eyes on me. I turned to see Duo sitting on the side of his bed, his sheets wrapped around him like a mantel, the black puddle of his shorts on the floor.

‘Heero?’ His voice was a deep-throated, tremulous thing. ‘Love me.’

My breath caught, and the blood sang through my veins with just that simple request. I suddenly felt myself standing precariously on a landscape of eggshells. He was asking me to give him the one thing that I had been aching to share with him for months, the one thing I didn’t think I dared.

I pushed down the sudden wave of heated desire. This was a plain full of landmines, and I had already hit the first one; my very hesitation was causing the form on the bed to hunch up in pain, fearing rejection.

‘Duo…love, what are you asking me?’

‘I want you to love me. I want you to wash me clean with…with your body.’

How in the hell had Quatre gotten to him? That was all I could think. How else had this idea, which so correlated with Quatre’s plan, been planted?

I couldn’t do this; couldn’t have this bizarre conversation from across the room. I rose slowly and padded the few steps to the bed, then stopped. I needed to be able to see him, but I didn’t think this…moment would survive the harsh light of reality.

‘Duo, where did you put those candles you had?’ I asked calmly, and he pointed to the drawer in the nightstand. My questing fingers found both candles and matches, and I lit several, setting them about the room, bathing us in the warm glow that I remembered from before. Then I went and sat on the bed beside him, not too close, but where I could see his face.

‘Duo…you know how much I would…like that.’ I tried to keep my voice level and calm, ‘But I have to ask you; why now?’

He ducked his head, ‘I…I don’t know…’

I sighed; I didn’t know how to ask him if Quatre had put him up to this. If he hadn’t, the question would hurt. But if he had, if this wasn’t Duo’s idea, then I couldn’t be sure he was ready for it.

‘This afternoon…’ he continued, looking off at something other than me, ‘watching the sunset…I felt something…it just got me to thinking about it…that’s all.’

I believed him. I remembered his face in the last rays of the sun, and I believed him.

‘Duo…what are you asking me to do?’ I was flustered, but there could be no mistake.

His head dropped, and I had no doubt that he was blushing furiously, then he cocked his head and peered up at me through the veil of his bangs. His eyes were fever bright, ‘I want you to take me.’

My heart lurched. ‘Duo! I…I…don’t know that I can do that…not this first time…’

But his voice was firm, ‘Heero, it’s important. Please? It’s what I want.’

Gods. I was so aware of the burden settling on my shoulders. I was in the center of the minefield now, without a damn map. I could do so much harm. I could mess this up so very, very badly. All complicated by the fact that I wanted him so much I ached with it. Did I have the control for this?

‘Duo, if we do this…it has to be slow. It has to be at your pace.’

He nodded, hearing in my voice I think, that he was near to winning the argument.

‘You can not let me hurt you. More than anything, I do not want to hurt you. We…could make this so much worse, you understand?’ I made him raise his head and really look at me.

Again, the tight nod.

‘Duo?’ I put a hint of warning in my voice, ‘tell me you understand.’

‘I’ve thought this through, Heero.’ There was just a touch of annoyance in him, ‘Don’t think I don’t understand how this could all go to hell, and don’t think I don’t know what I’m asking of you. But…I …I trust you.’

I went to the bathroom to find the bottle of massage oil; not thinking my voice was steady enough to answer him.

He trusted me. How the hell could three little words make your heart soar like a hawk and plummet like a stone all in the same breath? The weight of responsibility settled over me, and at least, served to dampen some of my own aching desire. I didn’t know that I could do this. I was terrified.

He was still sitting there on the side of the bed, his good leg curled under him, the bad one dangling, the sheet had fallen around his waist in a sea of white, leaving his chest and arms bathed in the warm glow of the candles, and despite his reassurances, when I came back from the bathroom, his eyes were wide and fearful. I pulled my tank top off and tossed it on my mattress, but left my shorts on. Slow, Yuy; slow.

I put the bottle down on the nightstand and sat beside him again. ‘Love; are you sure about this? Absolutely sure?’

He met my eyes of his own accord, this time, and I could hear a little desperation in his answer, ‘Yes. It feels right…something inside me is telling me this is…this is the answer.’

I reached slowly out, and gently placed my hand on the curve of his shoulder, and felt the muscles there tighten. He lowered his head again, looking up at me with a vaguely guilty expression.

‘Understand me, Duo. Nothing happens until you say it happens. All right? I will lead, but you are in total control. No surprises. I swear.’

His eyes lost a little of their wide fearfulness, and he smiled at me, soft and warm…and trusting.

‘You need to relax.’ I returned the warm smile, ‘Lie down and let me rub your back a little bit.’

He managed to turn and stretch out in the bed without ever letting the sheet slip away from his waist. It was…tantalizing. It was ridiculous; I had helped bathe him in the hospital, I had seen him naked before. How could this be so different? This was the same man I had been roommates with for…forever. But knowing there was nothing but that sheet between me and the sleek rise of his hips was driving me crazy.

I sat beside him, even though it made it awkward, because I didn’t think straddling his thighs was a good idea. I poured a little of the oil in my hands and rubbed them briskly together to warm the cool liquid. Then I gently began working on his tense shoulders, careful of the cuts, stroking the length of tight muscles, moving down his spine, down his arms, staying clear of all the places I thought would make him uncomfortable. Slowly, he began to relax under my hands, groaning softly when I hit a particularly tight place, where I had to work at it to loosen the muscles.

At length, he moaned under my hands and sighed deeply, ‘You’re very good at that.’

I nudged him, ‘Move over a little, lazy.’ He scooted over to the side, and I stretched out beside him.

‘Talk to me?’ I asked softly, laying where he could put his head on my shoulder, and he came into that familiar position, though I noticed he cocked his hips away, not comfortable with laying against me full length in his nakedness.

‘What?’ he asked, sounding apprehensive.

‘Tell me what not to do?’ As gentle as I could manage.

He sighed, and had it not been so important, I would have regretted it.

‘Not…not from behind.’ He whispered at some length, and it cost him, I could feel it.

I let my hand slide soothingly up and down his back, and waited.

‘Don’t…pull at my hair.’ And there was a tiny shiver. I kissed his forehead.

‘Is that all?’ I asked against his brow.

He managed a husky chuckle, ‘As long as you’re not planning on bringing any knives into this.’

I chuckled for him, ‘No knives. Got it.’ I traced small circles on his back with my fingertips and felt him shiver.

‘Ok, love?’

He gave me one of his lop-sided grins and I raised a finger to his lips before he could speak.

‘Rule number one; no masks. It all has to be out in the open.’

The grin changed subtly, became more real, ‘All right, then. I think I’m Ok. That’s the best I can tell you.’

I smiled, ‘Vague, but honest. It’ll do.’

I ran my hand up and down the length of his spine, ‘Relax, love.’ And I could feel him make an effort.

‘Duo?’ I breathed softly, kissing the top of his head.

‘Hmmmm?’ he asked, sounding contented under the brush of my fingers.

‘Touch me.’ My voice sounded husky to my own ears, and he froze beside me.

‘What…what do you mean?’

‘Calm down, little one.’ I chuckled, ‘I’m not pressing for that. Not yet. Just… explore me. Aren’t you curious?’

‘Maybe a little…Ok; maybe a lot…but I don’t…’ He shrugged.

I raised his face to mine with a hand under his chin, and kissed him. I kissed my way across his cheek, finding his ear and letting my breath wash warm across it, then nibbling my way down his throat. Duplicating the path he had taken when he had teased me the day before. He shivered, and gasped, eyes flying wide as he realized what I was doing.

I chuckled as I ended the trail in the hollow of his shoulder, ‘Don’t tell me you don’t know what to do. You’ve been very inventive in the last couple of weeks.’

He laughed and shivered all at once as I nibbled at that hollow. I lay back and offered myself to him again. This time, his eyes sparkled in the candle light with just a hint of mischief.

His hand reached slowly out, almost seeming to act without his knowledge, and simply came to rest on my abdomen. He was propped up on one elbow, his head tilted to the side, watching me. I carefully tucked my arms behind my head, giving him the promise of complete control.

For a heartbeat, his hand just lay warm and rough on my skin, and then gentle fingers began to trace the line of muscles, brushing feather light across my stomach. I closed my eyes with a sigh and just lay back, losing myself in the sensations he was giving me.

He was cautious and hesitant, his fingers heart-breakingly gentle. But once he started, his curious nature got the better of him. Soon his hands were wandering about my stomach and chest, stroking up the length of my arms, caressing my face, tangling in my hair, and I let him hear my pleasure; sighing and moaning as he found the sensitive places. He never violated the border made by the waistband of my shorts, though I thought once he might when he slid his hand down my side, eliciting a gasp from me as he reached the top of my hip, but instead, he turned his hand and simply trailed his fingers across my stomach.

Then he surprised me, his hands slowed, and I became aware that he was shifting beside me. Before I realized what he was up to, my right nipple was enveloped in the warmth of his mouth, and he was suckling gently at my chest. My breath went out in a deep-throated groan, and it was all I could do to keep my hands where they belonged. He jerked back, eyes wide.

‘I’m…I’m sorry…’

I curled an arm around him to keep him from pulling any further away.

‘Don’t be sorry,’ I panted, ‘Do it…do it again…please?’

He blinked at me, eyes wide in the flickering light, and then slowly lowered his lips back to my chest, finding me again, pulling me into the moist heat of his mouth and suckling gently at first, and then with more force.

‘Oh Gods, Duo…’ I moaned, having to pull my knees up a little to keep my hips from bucking up off the bed. I allowed my hand to stroke up and down his side in gentle encouragement, but nothing more.

He became fascinated then, with my chest, noticing my nipple becoming erect and hard, and had to experiment with both of them, warming them with his tongue and then blowing cool air across me until I thought I would lose my mind. At length, I had to catch his hands in mine and draw him away.

‘Gods, love…stop that or we’re going to be finished before we ever start.’

He was delighted, grinning down at me, drinking me in with his eyes. Seeing me, I knew, flushed and panting and completely aroused. I remembered his voice from several days ago wickedly informing me of his ‘New found power.’ I had to wonder, not for the first time, if I truly had the control for this.

I gently pushed him back, bringing myself up on one elbow, mirroring his earlier position, ‘My turn.’ I smiled as gentle and warm as I could manage. I began as he had begun, by merely laying my hand on his abdomen. I felt his stomach tighten, and his expression went just a little pensive.

‘It’s all right, little one.’ I told him softly, kissing his temple, ‘No more than you can handle. I’ll stop any time you say.’

He nodded, eyes still betraying a hint of fear. I simply started with a placid massaging of his stomach muscles, cautious around the still healing scar of the knife wound, savoring the firm planes and taut curves, nothing more than getting him used to the feel of my hand; just giving him a chance to relax again.

‘That…feels nice.’ He told me after some moments, and I took it as permission to expand my range. I slid my hand up his chest and began working the hard muscles there, careful for now to avoid the sensitive nipples. Working across his shoulders and chest until I felt him begin to loosen up. Then I slid my hand down, never breaking contact with his skin, and gently cupped his nipple into the palm of my hand. Just letting it rest there, and gauging his reaction.

Where I had closed my eyes, and just lain back and enjoyed the feelings he had invoked in me, he lay with eyes wide open, watching every move I made like a deer poised to bolt.

‘All right?’ I breathed softly next to his ear, kissing his throat.

He hummed a soft affirmative, and I drew back to watch his face as I gently began to massage the nipple under my hand, feeling it harden and draw tight. He moaned softly, with an underlying fear in his voice, and I started to pull my hand away, but his eyes caught at mine, as his hand touched the back of my hand.

‘Don’t…stop.’ He sighed, the need to trust me burning in his eyes.

I bent to kiss his lips, feeling their faint tremble.

‘Are you sure?’

‘Yes…I want to feel…I want to know…’ He stumbled with the words, but I understood, and kissed him again, deeper and a little harder. This was safe. This we had done; was known territory for him, and he met my kisses with a certain desperation. I allowed my fingers to begin stroking his chest again, finding the nipple and rubbing it gently erect. He moaned under my mouth, and I released his lips to begin a slow trail of kisses down his arched throat, lingering in the hollow and then continuing down his chest. I raised my head at the last minute to find his eyes following my every move in the flickering light.

‘May I?’

All he could do was nod.

I lowered my head, and as slowly and gently as I could manage, took his nipple into my mouth, letting my tongue wash gently across it. He was as sensitive here as I was, and his back arched off the bed at the first contact, a harsh cry escaping his throat. Before I could even think to draw away, to check and make sure he was still all right, his hand clutched at the back of my head, tangling in my hair, firmly holding me in place. Answer enough.

I suckled at him, relishing the feel of him in my mouth, his taste, his scent, the sound of his cries. It was almost overwhelming, knowing that he had never experienced this before, that each sensation I gave, was a first for him. My own body was on fire.

I let my hand trail down his ribs, down his side, and back up again; slowly traveling farther with each sweep, until I was tracing the curve of his hip with the palm of my hand and the sheet was falling away.

I withdrew my mouth, and raised up to look at him, he was watching me still, very aware of what I was doing, and very clearly not objecting, though I had felt the thunder of his heart under my kisses.

‘Love…’ I ventured, ‘Are you ready for me to finish undressing?’

He stared at me for a long moment, caught, perhaps by surprise at the question. ‘I…think so.’ He finally ventured, face flushing dark.

I rolled away and pulled the shorts off, dropping them with his on the floor by the bed, and lay back beside him. Letting him see me tuck my hands away behind my head again. Giving him the same unspoken reassurance I had given him earlier. There was nothing for an incredibly long time, and then he tucked himself against me, pillowing his head on my shoulder in that way we had when we slept together, but with his hips tilted uncomfortably away from me. He just lay like that for a bit, and then softly said,

‘Doesn’t feel right….hold me?’

My arm went around him, the way it would have normally if I had not been working so hard to keep it to myself.

He sighed, snuggling his head in the hollow of my shoulder, and then slowly, painfully slowly, he adjusted himself to lay completely against me the way he would have normally had he not been working so hard to keep his distance. Finally, his leg was twined with mine and I could feel him pressed lightly against me, not yet hard, but not completely flaccid either.

I kept my hand still on his back, just curled around him, leaning down only to kiss the top of his head as I often did when he slept.

At long last, he placed his hand, hesitant and trembling on my abdomen, just as he had begun before. I thought I would explode waiting for him to begin his explorations anew. I was so stimulated, I began to fear I might climax with the first brush of his fingers, and started working mental calming exercises, stilling my breathing, and forcibly bringing my heart rate down to something near to normal. This had to be for Duo; had to be at his pace.

His fingers began their slow caresses again, though this time, I noticed he mimicked my own massaging strokes. I hadn’t covered myself, but I could tell he was avoiding looking at me, his hand tracing my ribs, running down my side, making tentative forays down my hip before returning to safe ground. I wanted to laugh; even unconsciously, his lovemaking had such a teasing style. If he ever came into his own, he was going to be an …interesting bed partner.

He found that impossibly sensitive concave at the join of hip and body and I swear he giggled when he drove me, with a gasp, rearing off the bed. His fingers danced around me for what seemed like an eternity, before he finally allowed the first brush of fingertips down my length.

My head lolled on the pillow and my arm tightened around him, despite all my efforts at control.

‘Oh, yes…’ I hissed, my heart thundering in my ears again.

But instead of frightening him, it seemed only to encourage, and I thanked the Gods for that, while kicking myself for my lapse. I bit down hard on my own tongue and forced myself to concentrate on keeping my desire under firmer command.

He touched with light strokes, using just his fingertips, feather-soft and intoxicating. I felt myself throb under his ministrations. At length, his curiosity overcame him and he raised his head to watch what he was doing to me. My reactions were fascinating to him, I could see him losing his shyness; his touches becoming more adventurous, until he finally wrapped his hand around me with such suddenness that I couldn’t stop the upward thrust of my hips and the moaning cry that burst from my throat. He was mesmerized, and had I left him alone, would have used his hands and finished me within minutes.

I panted out a shaky laugh, and caught his hand, ‘Slow down, love.’

He hovered over me for another moment, glittering eyes locked with mine, and then he lay back, carefully, deliberately, tucking his hands behind his head.

My heart lurched with a painful thump at this conscious display of his complete trust in me. I let my eyes travel his length, finding that somewhere in there, he had completely lost the sheet, and his position now was not just an invitation, but also a display. I drank him in and then leaned down to claim his lips, ‘You are so beautiful.’ I breathed against his parted lips and then slid my tongue into his yielding mouth, plundering his depths; tasting, touching. Somewhere, under all the fear and tension, he was ready for this; ready and needing and wanting to the point of bursting.

Not breaking the searing kiss, I rested my hand on his abdomen, keeping to the pattern we had developed, so he would know what to expect. I resumed my massage of his stomach and chest, a little firmer this time, and not bothering to avoid his nipples when my hand slid that way. He moaned softly, tremulously, into me, his own mouth and tongue rising hungrily to meet mine. This was as aroused as I had ever seen him, and this little bit, still sheathed as it was in his trepidation, was enough to make my groin draw tight and I was suddenly awash with the need to be buried deep inside him.

I broke the kiss, slowing my hands to a gentle stroking of his firm abdomen, closing my eyes and concentrating hard on harnessing my mushrooming desire. I could not lose control. I could not lose control. I let my mind pull up the image of him, harnessed in his cockpit, screaming into the night, and was able to bank the fire that was raging almost…almost out of control inside me.

He was watching me, breath coming in panting gasps, and I smiled tenderly for him. My hands had not wavered, while my heart had, and he was oblivious to my inner struggle. As it should be. As it had to be.

Eyes locked with his, I let my hands drift lower than I had yet, brushing down his flank, and I found a place where hip turned to thigh that brought a choking gasp of pleasure to him, and I grinned wickedly,

‘Turn about’s fair play, love.’

And he rewarded me with a wry chuckle in return.

My fingers trailed and brushed his inner thigh, causing his legs to jerk and draw together for a moment, before he fought the impulse off and forced them to relax again. He was strung tight as a bowstring, and I slowed my caresses.

‘Still with me, my heart?’

‘Yes…oh yes.’ The pupils of his eyes were huge in the faint light, and I thought I might fall into them for a moment, ‘Heero…what are you doing to me? I’ve never felt like this…I…want things...I…’

I let my hand come to rest on his hip and smiled down into those bottomless, ravenous eyes. ‘It’s Ok, my little one. That’s how it’s supposed to feel. Part of it is…giving over control to someone else. Part of it is because you’ve been holding this inside for so long.’

‘I’m scared.’ He whispered, a tiny voice that sounded young and vulnerable and lost.

I pulled him into a simple, comforting embrace, and he clung to me.

‘Don’t be. I’m here, and I’ll never hurt you.’ I sighed, close to his ear, and in that moment, I knew it was true. He was the heavens and the earth to me, and I was nothing without him. Not even entirely human. I could do this for him; this simple, complicated thing that he wanted so badly and feared so much. ‘Don’t be afraid. I’m here for you. We have all the time in the world and nothing has to happen if you don’t want it.’

He eased away from me, and never taking his eyes away from mine, he whispered, ‘I love you.’ And then he caught my hand and carefully placed it back on his hip and said, ‘Touch me, please?’

My desire was still there, but it was tempered by the glow of love and trust in his face. I would not betray that, not for anything in the universe.

I stroked firmly down the length of his thigh, massaging the unyielding muscles, down on the outside of his leg, and then up on the inside. The breath hissed through his teeth, but he kept his body under control, not letting his legs clamp together, not letting his body block my touch. I did it again, slower and with a lighter touch. On the third round, I didn’t slide my hand back to his hip, but continued upward and gently cupped the globes of his testicles in the palm of my hand.

He yelped and bucked and flushed, embarrassed by his inability to stop the reaction, and I let my hand slide away, down the other thigh until his breathing wasn’t a gasping pant. Then I went back and did it again. His reaction wasn’t as extreme, and I kept my hand there, gently beginning to massage the cool skin, enjoying the weight in my fingers. Watching the play of emotions on his face, going slow and careful, I was delighted when after only a few minutes, he intentionally spread his thighs for me, allowing my fingers to stroke and wander wherever I pleased.

I took it slow, doing nothing more yet than the gentle kneading of his sac. Though his arousal was building, he was still not fully erect, his deep-seated reservations not allowing that just yet. My fingers found a spot of satin skin right behind his testicles, and when I stroked it with but a single fingertip, he cried out and I saw his cock twitch in response, his back arching him off the bed.

He whimpered and caught at my hand, ‘Too…too much…too intense…please….’

I removed my hand immediately, and he curled in near anguish beside me. For a moment, I floundered.

‘Duo? Love…what?’

‘I…I don’t know…I want it…Gods; I want your hands on me. But…it’s so much…it’s so…strong…’

I pulled him into my arms, ‘We’re going too fast. It’s all right, love, I’m sorry.’

His hands clutched at me, ‘No!’ He was floundering as well, clinging to me like a drowning man, and he didn’t know I was as lost as he.

‘Heero, I’m on fire! I…I don’t know…’ he butted his head against my chest, ‘I want you. I want you now.’

Could he be ready? His body was sending me so many conflicting messages, I couldn’t judge. I ran my hands up and down his back; he seemed so tense, so tight. I honestly didn’t think he was ready, but maybe the path I was taking wasn’t the right one. I had eased him into a certain relaxation, and then attempted to excite him, to arouse him to the point that his body was ready to except what he was asking for. Perhaps I had gone too far. Stimulated him to the point of tension again. I had to remind myself this was all uncharted territory for him.

‘All right.’ I soothed, gently rubbing circles on his back, ‘Just relax. We can’t manage it if you’re tensed up. It’ll hurt.’

He tried; with one of the oldest, most basic techniques I knew. I felt him take a deep breath and hold it for the count of ten, letting it out slowly, and indeed, some of the anxiety went out with the breath, but only the surface tension; I could feel the underlying stress still there.

I pulled away from him, and his arms were reluctant to let me go. I pushed away the bedding and brought the oil bottle into bed with us, within reach, and then settled myself with my legs folded under me. Deliberately in a position that I knew would become more uncomfortable as we went, one that I was hoping would help me keep control of myself.

‘Come here.’ I commanded gently, and he moved toward me, letting me guide him into the position I wanted. I pulled him into my lap, facing me, his good leg folding easily beside mine. I had made sure we were close enough to the side of the bed that he could stretch his bad knee out and let the leg rest on the floor. He was still back away from me, keeping my straining erection from brushing against his.

‘Tell me one more time this is what you want?’ I asked, having to look up at him, as he was almost a head above me now.

His arms went around my neck and he was trembling, ‘Please. Gods, yes. Please don’t tease me anymore. I…I need you.’

‘Not teasing.’ I smiled tenderly, ‘Trying to make sure you’re ready to open to me.’

He shivered again, his eyes closing for a second. I glanced down and saw him, for the first time, fully hard and glistening with pre-cum. I wrapped my arms around his waist and slid him toward me, belly to belly, savoring the leap his cock made against mine.

His eyes snapped open as he gasped, looking down into my face with the most incredible expression of trust and need, and I saw the exact moment when he let go and gave over complete control to me.

‘Take me…please. Make me yours.’ I almost didn’t hear it.

‘Slow, love. Has to be slow and gentle or it will hurt. It’ll be uncomfortable at first; but it should not hurt. Not if we’re careful. Understand? You are not to try to bear it if there’s pain. Understand me?’

He nodded sharply and I found the oil. ‘I’m going to put this on both of us now, Ok?’ Again the silent nod. I smeared a liberal amount on my throbbing cock, and then slowly reached around him, gently spreading his ass cheeks to apply more all around his entrance. He stiffened and jerked and then settled back on my thighs with a groan.

‘All right?’ I asked, wiping the excess oil on the bed sheet, and he nodded again. ‘Duo; talk to me.’

He whimpered; a soft mewling sound, his eyes closing, ‘I’m sorry; I’m Ok, but this is…this is…’

‘The hard part. I know, love.’ I worked my fingers up rock hard back muscles, ‘You have to relax.’

I pulled his face down to kiss him gently, ‘No more than you can handle, my heart. Remember that. All you have to do is say stop, all right?’

‘All right…I promise.’

I wrapped my hands around his waist, ‘Raise up a little.’ And when he complied, I positioned myself, positioned my cock against his spasming opening.

I think he might have impaled himself instantly, in an effort to get that part over with, had I not been half expecting it and caught him around the waist, holding him off me.

‘Wait for it, love.’ I commanded; not harshly, but understanding, ‘Wait for the muscles to relax, once I’m passed the opening, it’ll be easier.’

My cheek was pressed against his chest, and I could feel the mad pounding of his heart. Above me, his head was resting against mine, and his breath was coming in sporadic gasps. I pulled back a little, and looked up to find his eyes still squeezed tightly shut.

‘Duo. Open your eyes and look at me.’ He was frightening me a little bit, as though he might be drifting toward that nightmare world that was always waiting just around the corner in the dark to overtake us. ‘Stay here with me.’

He slowly opened them, and they shone feverishly in the candlelight, and our eyes locked. I could see the fear, I could see the desire, I could see the confusion warring in the depths of his beautiful eyes.

‘It’s me. It’s us. Don’t be afraid. I’m here and I won’t hurt you.’ And as though my voice had eased the way, in that moment, the entrance to his depths spasmed open and the head of my weeping erection slipped inside.

We both cried out with it, and I tightened my arms around his hips, keeping him from taking me to the hilt all at once. His body tightened around me, shocked at the intrusion. Doubt crossed his face; a flash of fear and his eyes were begging me for guidance.

‘It’s Ok,’ I gasped, feeling his hot, satiny, muscle squeeze tight around me in panic, ‘Relax, calm down, let yourself adjust to it, just relax and then take a little more.’

It took a minute before he could manage to loosen enough, and then I slid a little deeper. I was holding my hips still with an iron will, and let my voice be the outlet I had to have.

‘Gods! Oh Duo! You feel…unbelievable!’

The sound of my passion seemed to help him, and with a sudden shudder of opening, I was seated completely inside him, enveloped totally in his body, lost in his exquisite heat. I cried out, incoherent and on the verge of a quaking orgasm.

I pulled him tight against me, ‘Oh Gods…don’t move…just hold still…I need a minute.’ And I gasped and panted and bit my tongue and wrestled the fire-breathing dragon back down. This was not for me. This was not for me. This was…Oh Gods.... fucking incredible!

‘Heero?’ His voice, small and scared, was what brought me back from the brink of sweet oblivion.

‘I’m all right,’ I chuckled for him, ‘More than all right. I just…almost…finished this. Are you Ok?’

A tiny nod, and I became aware of him trembling in the tight circle of my arms.

I looked deep into his eyes, ‘How does it feel?’ I asked softly.

‘Strange…’ he ventured at length, ‘I don’t know how to describe it.’

There was a moment of just being, and then he softly asked, ‘What’s it feel like to you?’

‘Incredible. Unbelievable. More than I ever imagined. You feel…’ I closed my eyes to concentrate on it, ‘Like satin and silk…hot, Gods it’s so warm.’

I opened my eyes to find him staring at me in bewilderment, ‘I thought…you mean you’ve never…?’

I hadn’t really meant to let him know that. I blinked, ‘Uhmmmm…no.’ I flushed, afraid that he would lose confidence in me, but unable to lie, ‘This is…my first time.’

I was afraid he’d be angry. I had never really said one way or the other, but I knew that I had implied more experience.

He laughed, leaning down to kiss me hard, ‘You fake!’ he grinned at me, and then he sobered, ‘I’m…glad.’

I grunted, embarrassed, but found he wasn’t shaking so hard, and when I thought about it…I was more than just glad.

‘I love you.’ I told him, voice husky with sudden emotion.

‘And I, you.’ He whispered against the top of my head, pulling me against his chest. ‘With all my heart and soul.’

I listened to the sound of his heart and sighed, ‘Move for me now, love.’

His body had adjusted to me while we had talked, I had felt him molding around me, and I looked up now to see him realize it as well. He tried a gentle twitch of his hips, and I let myself moan.

‘Yes,’ I sighed encouragement, ‘like that.’

He was watching me, experimenting with movements that brought gasps to my lips and his own pleasure crept up on him, unaware. I saw him as he suddenly found a rhythm, I saw the shock register on his face as his body started to dictate his movements.

‘Let it go, my love.’ I whispered, enthralled with watching him, ‘Let it happen. Don’t fight it.’

His back was bowed away from me as his instincts led him into a dance as old as time, his hands were clinched on my shoulders, and I still held him by the waist, but no longer had to guard him. I held him loosely; let him ride me, there only to catch him.

His breath was a moan, rising with each thrust of his hips against mine, I allowed myself no movement, holding still as a stone and letting him do it all, letting him come to grips with the past and the present, with the fear and the reality, and when he faltered, when he moved near to what he had never experienced, and started to panic, I was there to guide him on.

‘Heero?’ His voice was a rising wail, out of control and frightened by it.

‘It’s all right. It’s supposed to feel like that. Let it happen…don’t fight it. Let it go ..just let go…’

And when he was almost there, I released his hip and caught his throbbing erection in my hand, stroking and squeezing and leading him over the edge, falling immediately after.

His orgasm took him like a convulsion, wracking his body, and wringing harsh, primal cries from his throat; near screams that almost frightened me. His seed exploded from the circle of my fingers, washing over both of us in an unending stream. My climax claimed me then, pulsing deep within him, and I knew nothing for that moment of almost unendurable release.

When I struggled back into focus, he was still lost in the pulsing after effects, his eyes didn’t see me, and his hands were limp on my shoulders. I caught him, wrapping an arm tight around his waist, pressing his hips to mine. I was still buried deep inside him, and it would hurt if he pulled off too fast. I lay the other arm across his back, supporting him as he lay boneless against me, body trembling and spent.

‘Duo?’ I whispered, but he didn’t respond, and I rubbed gently at his back, ‘Love?’

He was tensing in my arms, slowly drawing inward; fighting something, I didn’t understand what.

‘Duo? What’s wrong? Please…you’re scaring me.’

‘S…sorry. S’ok.’ He murmured, and his voice was thick with unshed tears. I knew in that instant what he was wrestling with.

I tightened my arms around him, ‘No, baby; don’t try to stop it. Let it out. It’s part of it, you have to let go of all of it…please…’ I stroked my hand over his braid and down his back, all the while keeping our hips locked together.

He was trembling again, and all I could do was hold on tight, ‘I’m here, it’s all right, let it go…let it go…no one’s here but me…it’s all right. Don’t fight it…don’t fight it any more.’

I felt the damn break, the last defenses of a beleaguered, besieged soul and the trembling turned into broken sobs and he was clinging to me so tight I could scarcely breathe.

‘Heero! Oh Gods! Heero…’ There were some words, but mostly not, and the tears ran hot and scalding down my shoulder and chest and the last shreds of his incredible, iron control shattered into a million pieces all around us.

I held him, tight and anchored, and when, finally, I felt myself slip unnoticed from his body, I lay us down and folded him as close as I could manage, rocking him gently in my arms and just let him cry it out. Let him give in to the release that he had not been allowing himself for so very, very long.

He sobbed in heart-rending, gasping torrents, like I had never heard a human being cry in all my life. Had I not known how badly he needed it, I would have been moved to try and soothe the tears away, but this was the true catharsis we had worked toward all night. His physical release; his body letting go first of his control, then of his pent up desires had only been the doorway to this…this final purging of the poisons in his heart.

He clung to me bruisingly tight, arms around my chest, head tucked in under my chin, breath coming in great hitching sobs. He became a child in my arms, the child that had received no real comfort all those years ago. The child that had been forced, by circumstance, to pick up the pieces of his own shattered spirit and go on, alone, armored in nothing but his own fierce will. He wept until I feared he couldn’t stop, until his body was drained of strength, and his voice was gone.

‘Everything is going to be all right now.’ I told him, at length, when he began to wind down, when the sobbing slowed and the tears were running silently down his face and across my chest. ‘This is the start of the healing, love.’

‘I’m sorry…’ He whimpered, trying hard to regain control.

‘No, don’t be sorry.’ I told him gently, ‘I’ve wanted this for you…for so long.’

He twined around me, not able to get close enough to suit either one of us. We were a horrid mess, covered in oil and sweat and semen and tears, but I didn’t care and as near as I could tell, neither did he. His breathing grew calmer after awhile, and I thought for a moment he had slipped into sleep. I hoped so, without having to argue my position here. I was not leaving his bed tonight; not tonight. Tomorrow, if he still wanted me out, I would go, but I would have this one thing.

‘Heero?’ His voice, when it came, was hoarse, and very soft.

‘What, my heart?

‘Don’t…don’t ever ask me to go on without you.’

My heart stopped, and I knew he felt it with his head resting on my chest. My mind leapt to the image of him in the cockpit of his Gundam with the pistol pressed to his head and I felt my gorge rise. But I had to think it through, had to turn it around, and I knew, no matter how much it tore me apart to think about his death, that were it me…if I were the one left behind, I wouldn’t want it either.

‘I won’t ask, if you won’t.’ I finally managed to tell him, and knew it was true. If he didn’t come back from a mission someday, I wouldn’t be very far behind him. These are the things that warriors say to each other in the afterglow of lovemaking.

‘Thank you.’ He whispered a bit later.

‘You’re welcome.’ I chuckled, using my foot, now that I had feeling in it again, to drag the blanket up where I could reach it and wrap it around us both. We fell asleep as the first rays of the morning sun began to creep in at the window, coated, uncaring in each others essence, wrapped in each others arms.

Wufei, Trowa, and Quatre pulled into the estate in the early afternoon several days later, tired and more than just a little apprehensive about the outcome of their little plan. Though it had been Quatre’s idea to begin with, he had started worrying almost immediately about leaving Heero to deal with Duo’s nightmares alone. Especially when, having realized that Wufei knew something he wasn’t sharing, the other two had badgered him into telling them about Duo throwing Heero out of his room.

‘We shouldn’t have gone.’ Quatre said, for probably the hundredth time just that day, as they unloaded their bags from the car.

‘Quatre,’ Trowa sighed, not wishing his mate to be this upset about it, but honestly getting a little tired of the comment. ‘If something had gone seriously wrong, Heero would have called us.’

They made the climb up the front steps, and as Quatre opened the door, Wufei paused, cocking his head to the side, ‘What is that noise?’ he frowned.

The other two hesitated, turning in the direction of the faint, unaccustomed sounds.

‘This way.’ Trowa declared, suddenly seeming to have an idea what the noise might be, and he lead them through the house to the formal dining room, a place they seldom went. The grand, French doors stood wide open, and there was the beginning of a trail of clothes that lead out to the patio.

Looks were exchanged, and the trio crept forward, listening to the sound of water splashing and the sudden exuberant sound of Duo’s bright, delighted laughter.

‘He’s in the pool?’ Trowa whispered and they moved outside onto the tiny balcony that overlooked the in-ground pool nestled in the formal gardens below them. The trail of discarded clothing continued down the narrow side steps and finished on the lawn.

Below them, they could see Duo, bobbing in the center of the pool, his hair loose and floating around him like a silken cloud in the water. He was wiping water from his eyes and looking wildly about, for all the world like someone expecting a shark attack; the picture belied by his ringing laughter. Then the water exploded upward and a second sleek figure joined his, a second, strange laugh coming on the heels of Duo’s sharp yelp.

‘Heero?’ Quatre said with wonder, looking to the others for confirmation of what his eyes were telling him.

The pair in the pool vanished from sight, and the three on the balcony exchanged disbelieving glances.

‘No way.’

‘Couldn’t be.’

‘What then…a group hallucination?’

The surface of the water broke again, not with the suddenness of before, but with little more than a ripple as the two came up, twined around each other, Duo’s hair streaming around them, locked in a passionate kiss.

‘Oh…’ Quatre sighed, reaching for Trowa’s hand, ‘they’re…they’re beautiful together.’

Trowa smiled down at his lover, ‘I guess you can count your plan as a success.’

Wufei grunted, ‘It’s about damn time.’ And turned his back on the scene below them, giving the other two a pointed glare.

Quatre couldn’t quite seem to tear his eyes away, ‘They look so…fey…so surreal. Beautiful.’ His eyes sought Trowa’s, ‘Do…do we look like that?’ he breathed.

‘Exactly like that.’ Wufei grumbled, ‘Now stop staring and give them some privacy.’

The three turned for the house, Quatre stealing glances over his shoulder while Wufei steered him by one arm and Trowa by the other.

‘Heero Yuy; skinny dipping…who would have thought?’

1 - Another one from Loreena McKennitt. I can’t remember who does the voice…but it’s impressive.

~ End of Release~